I have a serious not so serious disease

written by Mindy Collins

Friends, I am troubled with my serious not so serious disease.
I don’t even know what I should name my disease. Clearly this is the not so serious part because I have to name it because I have made up a disease and self diagnosed myself with it.
I will call it the notafuctionalhumaninthemorning disease.
Now it gets serious.
People joke all the time that they “don’t do mornings” or “don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee”.


But then there are those morning people, who wake up all like:


For you morning people please only continue to read if you want to know what this feels like so you can be empathetic. Because while you’re over there doing yoga at 6 am and then putting dinner in the crockpot at 7 before waking your children up to feed them a hot breakfast, I’m over here like this:


My brain does not work in the morning! I can get out of bed, make lunches, do hair, and pretend to be starting my day. I can go through the motions of waking up and not actually be waking up.

And I am soooooo slow. I mean seriously slow. Painfully slow. Which makes me late. So embarrassing to be a real adult and be late. I mean really, not cool.


My amazing husband has now come to terms with my morning disease. He is so kind and does everything he can to help. He takes the kids to school, because honestly it’s not even a good idea for me to be driving before 9. He would never ask me a question in the morning (this can trigger serious flare ups in the disease) and he doesn’t even try to make eye contact with me. He scratches my back and moves to the side when I’m walking around. Coffee helps a little and by 9:30 or 10:00 I can complete a sentence. But as the teenagers would say, ” the struggle is real.” I would take a pill for this disease if it would make me fully functional before 10 am. I don’t want to rub oils on my right pinky toe or drink apple cider vinegar with cayenne pepper in it to clear my head and give me energy at 8 in the morning. This is not the time to be alternative friends. (To my alternative friends and readers, I LOVE alternative and natural and such, please calm down, this is a joke). I want a PILL people. A pill. A pill. A pill.

Oops, I got distracted thinking about what it would look like if I took a pill and was instantly a morning person. It would have bad side effects though, because it would also wake up the monkeys in my head and they would start talking and I would have to tell the monkeys:


Bless my heart, right? I do really hate being so out of it in the morning, but getting through it is worth it. I love my kiddos, I love my job, and I love the parts of my day where my brain works.

I am thankful for each day, just maybe not until around noon.


*please remember this is just for fun, I know people have real diseases, I have a serious oh so serious one that I might write about one day. But for now just don’t ask me questions in the morning.