I need chocolate, RIGHT NOW

This one might be for all the women out there. But men, what I am writing about is something you have seen with your very own eyes and it is scary. Men, I am so sorry you have had to witness this. So so sorry. Maybe over time and with some counseling you might recover if you have ever been caught in the middle of a woman and her need for an immediate chocolate fix. It is serious.

So men have seen this phenomenon and women have had to experience this weird out-of-body experience. It can come on suddenly and without warning and sometimes it leaves a path of candy wrappers and crying children (because you ate their valentines or Halloween candy!). This is what happens when a woman suddenly has the dire need for chocolate. But gasp, the horror of there not being holiday candy or a candy stash, and one is not prepared for what is to come.

You start ripping through junk drawers, scaling through the back of the pantry, looking under children’s beds for any remaining holiday candy stash. And then the awful reality hits: there are not any candy bars in the whole house! Not even a single M&M. Women, we know what happens next, because we do not give up.

No woman needing an immediate chocolate fix has ever given up on finding the chocolate. Not ever in history. If she did, then it wasn’t even a real legit craving. Because a woman doesn’t abandon a real chocolate craving. There is no, “Oh well, maybe I will have some chocolate tomorrow.” Ha! I shudder at the thought.

So what does happens when we can’t find the chocolate candy? We settle. We settle for the baking chocolate chips. Women, we have all done this. We understand each other, it bonds us together, in some scary freakish way. We have all stood in the kitchen with our arm elbow-deep in the chocolate chip bag eating chocolate chips like a rabid animal, drooling chocolate out of the sides of our mouths. We don’t even care about what this might look like, or what diet we are on, or what the consequences are. We have our hands on the chocolate and no one is going to take it away from us.

But I must share with you something terrible that happened today. This might have happened to you too, and for that I am sorry. It made me doubt who I was, why I was here, if I was a good mother and wife. I went in search for the chocolate chips and THERE WHERE NONE. Nowhere. I scoured the pantry again, but reality sank in after my third search through the pantry. I put my hands to my face and let out a faint whimper. What woman lets herself go so badly that she doesn’t even have the chocolate chips? I began to re-evaluate my life and how I would move on from here.

I knew in the back of my mind that this was divine intervention because I am on a sugar fast. And yes, I have the self discipline of an untrained puppy. I was merely trying to sneak a few into my vegan granola bars, that is all. But technically that would count as sugar, I guess. And technically they are not vegan either. Tiny details. Blah blah blah.


So women, we can be a lot of things, amazing things, but we cannot be without chocolate. Apparently.