So I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. I do not vainly think that anyone has noticed, but I have enjoyed writing my randomness for the world wide web, so I have missed it. I still am not feeling well, so I have been doing a lot of sleeping, thus explaining why I have not been writing. I cannot write in my sleep. I just cannot. I am always oddly optimistic that I will go to sleep sick and wake up the next day feeling better. I am not sure if it is a form of denial, hope, optimism, faith, or a combination of the four. But after the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months, my optimism and hope slowly fade away. I get a little down. The other day I thought to myself, “Self, how do I lower my expectations of how I want to feel without losing hope and without giving up?” Myself did not have the answer, it usually doesn’t, at least not with some searching first. So I asked God, I asked Jachin, I asked friends and family, “How do I be okay with feeling so crappy and not give up hope to feel better and not give up working hard to feel better?” There were not many answers. Because these people love me and know this is not an easy thing to answer. What I did get were words of encouragement. Because I have great people in my life. So while I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, I told Jachin, “I am only lying here because I lack the strength to stand.” Which does make things a little better because Princess Bride makes everything better. Anyways, back to point of why I am explaining why I am in bed so much. When I am laying in bed I Google.
I Google everything. And then I tell Jachin that I have finished the internet. (It’s an inside joke, unless you know what TV show it’s from and then you get 5,000 bonus points).
Of course I Google on my iPhone, because I do everything on my iPhone!
So after weeks of lying in bed I really feel like I have Googled A LOT, and it is random because as soon as I think about something, I Google it, everything. I Google everything. I mean it.
So here is a non-exhaustive list of what I have Googled in the past few weeks, I have left some out, but here are a few, with brief explanations:
1. Best places to live with asthma
2. Best places to live with allergies
3. Houses for sale in Northwest Florida
4. Houses for rent in Northwest Florida
5. Schools in Northwest Florida
It started out innocent, but before i knew it I had a full-fledged plan. There were many, many more searches involved in this thought process. I decided that we should move to Florida to see if I felt better living by the sea. Thank you, I know this was a brilliant idea. I am disappointed it did not work out. I did find a lovely home just west of Destin and North of Rosemary beach in a community called Wild Heron, and there was a private school nearby whose website seemed to show it was similar to the ones the kids are in now. The house was perfect, the master bedroom was on the first floor and the kids rooms upstairs, a fourth bedroom for all the visitors we would have because we were relocating to such an amazing place, duh. The community has a pool by the lake, a gym, and a boardwalk along the lake. We were going to ride bikes at sunset and fish at the dock. You can poo-poo on my plan all you want, but when I am there one day, I might not let you visit us. Here is a picture of what I thought would be my home:
I KNOW!!! So dreamy. My vision was coming together perfectly, but we decided to stay her in the Big D. So when my relocating plan looked like it was going to pot, I continued on in my searching:
6. Should dogs eat vegan
7. Average grocery budget for a family of 5
8. How do I give up Starbucks
9. Nespresso machines
10. Cost of Nespresso pods
You see, some things that I Google just don’t make sense, at least not to anyone else. But thoughts go through my head and I think they require some follow though (the Googling). My dog will not be vegan, calm down about it already. But what was happening was that Jachin and I were making a huge financial decision and he was showing me our numbers and they did not look good. After years of tip-toeing away from the whole budget thing, it is for real now. FOR REAL, FOR REAL. Like if you see me spending money you should slap me. So we are on an actual budget, and Googling was required. If I am going to really give up Starbucks, I needed a back-up plan. I currently have the winning bid on Ebay for a Nespresso machine. I hope I get it! Moving on, but not moving:
11. Coconut cream in coffee
12. Apple and beet juice recipe
13. Calories in juicing
14. Juicing with mint
15. What to eat when juicing and hungry and dairy and gluten free
So a friend carefully suggested I try changing my diet to dairy and gluten free and to try juicing. After going vegan last year my health improved, but now it is time to try something else. Because if what you are currently doing is not yielding you the results you want, you should consider doing something different. Kind of common sense. Many of my symptoms lately can be linked to possible food allergies, so I am willing to try it. When you are chronically ill you have to be open to try different things. Some of them take a lot of work, which is hard to take on when you are feeling sick. But I have juiced and been gluten and dairy free for four days now. Four days down, months to go. Friends, I have never bought a beet before, I didn’t even know what it looked like. And then the sweet lady in the checkout line was kind enough to warn me it might turn my pee red. Bless her, she was only trying to help.
Maybe the beet juice will help me feel better, maybe it won’t. God only knows. So I will push on, whether I am juicing, moving to Florida, or Googling, life goes on. And I still find that on my sickest days, or my hardest days, that God still shows His goodness to me in every day. To me, goodness is dreaming of another life somewhere prettier, goodness is my kids crawling into bed with me just to be close to me, goodness is Espresso, goodness is God whispering in my ear that I can live on a budget and live to tell about it, goodness is a stranger warning me about my pee turning red from beet juice. These things may not cancel out the bad, but they are present and reminding me to want to live.
So cheers to beet juice and Googling and hope.